Bugger Off
by Impish Ferret
Summary: Hermione runs into Minerva in a muggle pub but has no idea what she's in for when dealing with a drunk and heartbroken Headmistress.


**I wrote this ages ago and wasn't really sure where I was going with it. Now that I've reread it, I kind of like leaving where it stands as an unrequited love one shot.**

**As always, any mistakes are mine, all rights belong to JKR.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

Running into Minerva McGonagall in a pub was one thing. But running into Minerva McGonagall in a muggle pub, sloshed out of her tree, was another thing entirely. Hermione stood stock still, staring wide eyed at the Scottish witch as she swayed slightly, empty pint glass in hand, signaling for another to the bartender.

"Headmistress?"

At the call of her title, Minerva turned around to see where it had come from. Her eyes grew wide as she laid eyes on Hermione.

"Miss Hermione Granger!" She staggered away from the bar, fresh pint in hand. "What in the name of Merlin's saggy pants are you doing here?"

"I came for a pint, but I see you beat me to it. Are you alright?" She took a tentative step back as the older witch swayed in her direction.

"Why -hic- wouldn't I be alright? Who doesn't need a pint or two after having their heart broken? Isn't that normal? Isn't that what you're supposed to do, drown your sorrows?" Her face scrunched into a grimace before she took another healthy swig of her ale.

Hermione regarded her former mentor carefully. She had never heard Minerva speak about being in a relationship before, but then again, they didn't spend time together like they used to. Perhaps this was a new love? Either way, she had clearly had more than she should, and should probably get back to the castle.

"I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting Headmistress, but do you think that maybe you've had enough?" Hermione tried to place her hand on the taller brunette's shoulder to steer her towards the door, but Minerva jerked away, staggering to stay on her feet.

"Ha! I've not had nearly enough!" Minerva shouted, starting to gain the attention of many of the other pub goers around them. "I came to a blasted m-muggle pub to get properly sloshed, and who do I run into? The very source of my pain. Ah, the irony." She turned to head back to the bar, gingerly sipping her pint as she went. "Thank you for your concern, but I'd like it very much if you could bugger off."

Again, Hermione stood dumbfounded, shocked into silence, this time by the Scottish witch's words. In all her wildest dreams, Hermione could never have imagined a drunk Minerva McGonagall telling her to bugger off. She continued to watch as the Headmistress weaved her way back to her spot at the bar, calling for whiskey to be added to her drink repertoire.

Carefully, Hermione picked her way around the L-shaped bar to a spot where she could observe the older witch unimpeded. Ordering a pint, Hermione settled in to watch as Minerva became more and more inebriated. As she observed, she wracked her brain for any signs that Minerva had been confunded. As far as she could recall, there had never been any signs that Minerva had been interested in her romantically. No extra touches, no carefully minced words, no subtle looks, nothing. So how could she herself be the source of Minerva's heartbreak?

Minerva, for her part, continued to down shot after shot of whiskey, while continuing to down her pint of ale. By the time Hermione was done her own drink, the esteemed headmistress was well and truly three sheets to the wind, slumped over at the bar mumbling incoherently to herself. Hermione finally decided she had seen enough and went around the bar to try again.

"Minerva," she called tentatively to the older witch. "Let's get you back to the castle, I'm sure the headmistress will be needed Monday morning and at this rate, you'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend." She reached across Minerva's shoulders to pull her upright. "Come on, you can do it."

Minerva turned her head to blearily regard the younger witch.

"You c-can't tell me what to do lass, I outrank you." Minerva stumbled upright, squaring her shoulders before making her way tipsily towards the door.

"Outranked or not, I'll be apparating you to the gates," Hermione latched onto the Scottish witch's elbow and proceeded to steer her in the direction of the nearest alley. "You're likely going to splinch yourself in this state, please don't fight me on this Minerva." The elder woman regarded her again before relenting.

"Whatever you say Miss Granger, jus-just promise me one thing?"

"What's that, Headmistress?"

"Please don't tell anyone what you've seen tonight. It's bad enough that _you've_ seen me like this, I don't want to add insult to injury and have the Prophet spouting about it in the Sunday edition." Her head lolled onto Hermione's shoulder as she finished her request, shuffling her feet in shame.

"Do you honestly think I could do a thing like that to you?" Hermione asked as she drew her wand. "My respect for you goes far beyond that." She squeezed the elbow in her hand even tighter before spinning on the spot and pulling Minerva with her.

They landed with a pop outside the ornate metal gates of Hogwarts, Hermione doing her best to keep Minerva on her feet.

"Ah, of course," Minerva muttered as she stepped away from the younger witch. "Respect." She looked down at Hermione with watery eyes. "Thank you for your respect, Miss Granger, and for the escort home. Good night."

"Minerva, wait," Hermione called, walking after the retreating witch. "Will you please explain what is going on? What happened tonight? And what does it have to do with me?"

Minerva paused, leaning on the gates to steady herself before turning to look at Hermione sadly. She reached up to place a gentle hand on Hermione's cheek letting the moment stretch between them. She then let it drop limply to her side before sighing and looking away.

"You're a smart lass Hermione, I don't need to spell it out for you. Congratulations on your engagement by the way, good night again." She turned to continue her way up the sloping lawns to the castle. A wave of her hand had the gates closing behind her, leaving Hermione standing alone once again in the dying evening light.

**Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think :)**

**-Imp**


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